Well, here I sit at Shades, sipping a latte with a hint of almond out of a really great pottery mug. Alone. And I wanted it that way. What is it about retreating from life sometimes that is necessary and just plain feels good. Lately I've wanted much more of this time than I am actually getting. But, life with a six month old rarely allows for it. She's worth it though. So, let's see- where am I in the grieving process? I don't know. I don't even know what all of the steps are. Guilt, anger, bargaining, denial, resolution or acceptance? How about depression and blank-mindedness. Ok, I know, I sound like a cliff jumper. It's really not that bad. It's just that I know that there are some steps that are supposed to be naturally occuring, and I don't feel them. Maybe this whole thing isn't supposed to have a real order to it. But because of the organized person that I am, I would much rather have some kind of schedule or something. Ok, week three- "bargaining": Begin this week by focusing all of your attention on trying to bargain with God. Say things like, "Oh God, if you would just give him/her back, I'll do anything you want"... Sounds a bit odd to me. I guess I'll just continue to fumble through this thing and hope that I reach the other side someday. Although, as long as August 7th extists I don't think I'll really ever make it there...
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1 comment:
I found you on myspace, but I like it much better here. You are a beautiful person. The banner at the top of this page brought some tears. I love the honesty. I want to be able to do that.
Please know I always think of you with a bittersweet desire to be closer friends. I feel handicapped in the area of building friendships. Your daughter is beautiful. I'd love to see more of all three of you.
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