I know that it seems like this blog is full of melodrama. Sorry, but lately I've had a bit too much of it in my life. John Mayer sings about a "quarter life crisis" in one of his songs. I think I may be experiencing some of the symptoms. I don't really know how to explain what exactly it is that is going on in my head, but it just feels like something is bugging me all the time. I need to pinpoint that and dig until I find the root. It is a large mix of things that keeps picking at me, grief, cynisism, emotions, forgetfulness, stress, feelings of being constantly overwhelmed- this "to-do list" in my mind, and on my fridge, never ends. Well, now there is one in my heart. I need something new, something fresh to rekindle some of the trueness in life. Something to begin to bring back the "me" that I feel is missing. I think only then will I feel 100% satisfied with my life, my marriage, my parenting skills, my career choices, school, etc. But the question is where do I get that and how. I know in my head that it comes from a deeper relationship with the Lord. One that I feel is almost nonextistant right now. I don't know why, it's just one of the things that gets pushed back because of "too much to do". I'm going to Colorado in a couple of weeks. I know that for some reason the mountains tend to have the same effect on me as they do on Matt. They refresh, they demand your attention, they offer something peaceful to look at. Plus, it's a vacation. This will give me time to just sit. Wow, sitting is something I really look forward to. But sitting in a coffeeshop with my journal is more than I could ask for right now. And I'm getting it, soon. I guess my prayer for the coming year is that God would reopen my hardening heart and bring forth some perspective. I've never really believed in New Years Resolutions, I've always been the "you should just do that all the time" kind of girl. But perhaps I should indulge and make myself a little list...
* Pray more, or, just pray at all- this is definitely something that I am not spending enough time doing. I don't know why, but there are things in my life that desparately need prayer- my marriage, Ava, school, future choices, etc.
* Spend more time, more valuable time, with my husband. That is pretty self-explanatory.
* Find the deep joy- I've always heard ,hrough the Christian circles,about this "deep and lasting joy" that we are supposed to experience. What is it? Where is the root? How do I get it? Sounds like a whole other blog opportunity- "Searching for Joy"
* Clean out my car- Ok, not the most important, soul affecting resolution, but my car is down right nasty.
* Read the Bible more- I think that this one will help with resolutions 1 and 3...
I'm not going to give myself any more, as I really think that this is a ton for me to work on. What I am hoping is that they all sort of overlap and help eachother. Even cleaning out my car. I really think that may be the first step to the Deep Joy thing...
That's all for now.
C
