..cwn..

Ok, I'll try to do this without sounding morbid, pity-seeking, or otherwise distraught. After a recent trip to the hospital, my dad is now in the care of a hospice-like setup called the Clarehouse. He is non-responsive and fading fast. In 1999 he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. After about two years of treatment he went into remission. Last January his cancer returned. He was ok until about six weeks ago, when he went into the hospital the first time. He had pneumonia and we discovered that the cancer had spread to his arms, legs, and spinal cord. He began feeling a little better and returned home. Three weeks ago he went back into the hospital with intense migraines and nausea. It was then that we found out that the cancer was now in his skull, and he had swelling of the brain caused by something in his spinal fluid and the covering over his brain. Where things are now is that he most likely won't wake up again.
So, obviously a few things are going through my mind at a time like this...
I am understanding that there are some things that I will never get to do with my dad again. And, because I like lists for their therapeudic stress-releiving properties, they are as follows:
-swim (dad would sunburn so bad it made him ill, literally. He threw up from it)
-go see a movie (which dad loved doing, even in the middle of a work day. It pays to own your own business!)
-go to the lake (which was our summer activity for my whole childhood)
-drink coffee (my love for coffee, I believe, was hereditery. My earliest memories are helping my mom get my dad another cup of coffee)
-ski (the family's winter vacation of choice)
-have philosophical debates
-talk about anything literary or english related (we're both English majors, one of his favorite authors was C. S. Lewis. He wrote poetry up to about a month ago)
-watch movies at home, in the surround sound (any of you who know my dad will probably have many memories of him back behind the entertainment center with his glasses on and a flashlight in hand, fidgeting with the surround sound...)
-shoot pool (I've only ever beat him once.)
the list goes on....

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i heart lists

My closest friends will know that I love making lists. I do it all the time. Well, I've been thinking lately about life; how short it is, how fast it flies by. I decided it's time to get serious about a list of things I want to do before I die. I know, sounds morbid. But I hope that it will be empowering. I don't think I'll set a number, and I may not get them all down today. But I'll add as I think of things:
-write a book
-have more kids
-own horses
-visit all the places I desire (that's another list by itself)
-skydive
-snorkel
-scuba dive
-get my tattoo removed
-get in shape
-build a house
-audition for a movie part
-read the Bible front to back
-trace my ancestry and visit where my family began
-have (and not kill) a beautiful garden
-renew my vows

c

...sigh...

I'm at school two hours early. Reason being that I am supposed to be reading yet another fascinating Fantasy Literature novel. Now, I know that the only thing here at school that could possibly keep me from doing so was the computer lab. And that's exactly where I am right now. I only feel half bad about it because I hardly ever get a)time to myself, b)time alone on the computer, c)perfect peace and quiet and, d)did I mention time to myself? So, I choose to indulge for a few mintues before diving back into the world of Terry Pratchett. He's not so bad, really. I just think it's funny that his "about the author" in the back of the book states that he is "one of the most popular living authors in the world." Hmmmm. Why hadn't I ever heard of him before two months ago? I do read, people. I guess I must prefer dead authors over prideful living ones.
Oh well, off to read.
sigh
c