Happy Birthday Dad

Well, today is one of those days that sort of sneaks up on you after you lose someone. Although I have thought about it a lot, I didn't really know what to expect to feel on my dad's first birthday after being gone. He would have been 51 today. We're going to drive out to the cemetery later today. Unfortunately we don't even have a marker yet. What do you put on a man's grave? Flowers? Last year I gave my dad a one pound bag of peanut m&m's. His favorite. Maybe I should buy a bag and sprinkle some of those on the ground instead. Mmmm, possibly too irreverent, but dad would laugh his ass off. Something good though, I bought my plane ticket to San Francisco last night. It's official. I'll be there from the 3rd to the 9th and I am MORE than excited. For some reason, it's one place that I have always, always wanted to go. It was possibly all of that flying around with YWAM, but I have really grown to love being in an airport. Especially by myself.
That's all for now.
c

sorry, no funny title ideas

Well, here I sit at Shades, sipping a latte with a hint of almond out of a really great pottery mug. Alone. And I wanted it that way. What is it about retreating from life sometimes that is necessary and just plain feels good. Lately I've wanted much more of this time than I am actually getting. But, life with a six month old rarely allows for it. She's worth it though. So, let's see- where am I in the grieving process? I don't know. I don't even know what all of the steps are. Guilt, anger, bargaining, denial, resolution or acceptance? How about depression and blank-mindedness. Ok, I know, I sound like a cliff jumper. It's really not that bad. It's just that I know that there are some steps that are supposed to be naturally occuring, and I don't feel them. Maybe this whole thing isn't supposed to have a real order to it. But because of the organized person that I am, I would much rather have some kind of schedule or something. Ok, week three- "bargaining": Begin this week by focusing all of your attention on trying to bargain with God. Say things like, "Oh God, if you would just give him/her back, I'll do anything you want"... Sounds a bit odd to me. I guess I'll just continue to fumble through this thing and hope that I reach the other side someday. Although, as long as August 7th extists I don't think I'll really ever make it there...
c

bittersweet

I've lately decided that my least favorite emotion is bittersweet. Unless it's chocolate, I don't want it. Bittersweet means that it should be good, but there is an element of sadness thrown in. Something is missing. Someone is missing. Usually this emotion hits at times of should-be elation, pulling it down a couple of notches. As a bride, I was thrilled to be slipping on my dress and walking down the aisle. But Danette wasn't there, and everytime I remembered it the smile fell away from my face. My dad is gone, but birthdays happen anyway.. I relate the feeling of bittersweet to the morning after losing someone you love. There is a forgetfulness in the morning, wich is sometimes a blessing. But the light of day following the loss is different. That realization hits you after sitting up and stretching your arms above your head. All you want to do is go back to sleep. A fresh day tarnished from the beginning. That is bittersweet.
Sorry to be a downer. I did get a camera for my birthday...