use your freaking call button

Well, I've been pretty busy over the last few days. You can read on my myspace about the details, but I've been in and out of the hospital seeing my dad. Also, I've been staying overnight to make sure that the nurses are doing their job and that his pain does not get too out of control. And I just have to vent for a moment. The lady staying in the room next to my dad's is an older woman who has apparently been there for over a month. And whenever she needs something, instead of using the nurse-call button that is inches from her hand, she yells out. Over and over and over. I've walked by the nurse's station and heard them on the speaker talking to her in her room, telling her that she needs to stop yelling and that she's disturbing other patients. For some reason, this little incident gives me a mix of emotions. Its funny, sad, annoying, disturbing all at the same time. One thing that I really hate about the hospital is that the patients doors always seem to be open, exposing old people in hostpital beds in very revealing gowns. And they don't seem to care or notice when their gowns are, well, open. So several times I've walked by and seen way too much of the old man two doors down from dad.

As you can see I'm trying to keep my sense of humor...

while she was sleeping.

Well, even though it seems I'm the only one reading this funny little thing I'm going to keep at it.. Ava's napping at the moment. This is when the house gets really quiet and the laundry gets done (sometimes, I've had to re-wash one load that's been in the washing machine for a few days. Yuck). It's also when I'm free to relax for a few minutes. Not that it takes a whole lot of effort to take care of a three month old. But lately she's been fussy. I think she's teething way early. The signs are pretty clear- excess drool, chewing on her hands ferociously, slight fever, and did I mention amazing amounts of drool? My step-dad is a dentist and he felt around on her bottom gums and confirmed that she could have one or two little teeth popping through at any time. I just wish she could hold on to things better because I have one of those orange gummy rings with the liquid inside- everybody's favorite baby toy, I still love to squeeze it!

Anyway, when she's awake the house is filled with sounds of her talking and screeching and me talking to her in a really cheerful tone of voice. That part can be pretty exhausting. Matt and I came to an agreement last night that he would put her down at night Sunday through Thursday and I would get up with her in the morning so he could sleep in. Then Friday and Saturday night I would put her down and he would get up with her in the morning. I think it's really fair because he works all week, so he deserves the extra rest in the mornings. Plus I like getting up and drinking coffee on the front porch with Ava...

My dad is having some pretty serious tests done tomorrow. His cancer has been back for a while, so they are doing a bone scan, CT scan, and some chest x-rays. He'll be in the hospital all day starting at 6:30 in the morning. I'm not sure what they are going to find. I feel like my optimism is wearing thin and that reality is sinking in. It's tough, but I don't let myself feel a lot for some reason. I guess I'm used to being a rock for people and I don't allow myself to be weak. When Matt's mom died I really had to focus on him, so I haven't focused on me for a while.

There's the baby...

Anybody out there?

Well, I've been writing on this blog for a little bit now and I'm starting to feel like it's sort of a waste of time. I know that blogs are supposed to be a sort of online journal, but I have to say I prefer curling up in a comfy chair and writing in a real one. Anyway, I guess whatever form of outlet I can get is good enough.
Today was pretty uneventful.
I got up around eight this morning and had some coffee on the front porch. This was probably the best part of my day- my few moments before Ava and Matt wake up. This is when I try to collect my thoughts and brainstorm about the future. But this morning all I could do was stare at some squirrels...
It's not that I am unappreciative(sp?) of my life, I just wish I knew where it was going to go next. We're still waiting to hear back from the fire department. Matt's second interview was almost two months ago, and now it's just a waiting game. I just really want to know one way or the other. I hope he makes it on, he would be really great at that job- there's pretty much nothing else that he wants to do.
I'm still pondering my next move. I've only got a couple of weeks before my summer class starts. Right now the only thing that I do during the day is take care of Ava, which is really nice. But it does get lonely sometimes. You can't really have meaningful conversation with a three month old. Believe me, I try. All she does is smile and squeak at me.
Anyway.. thanks for stopping by
cass